‘I pretty much gave up on finding love while in prison. In my mind it wasn't possible because it was too hard and too much of a sacrifice for a woman to be in a deep relationship with a man in prison who has no guarantee of ever coming home again. In my mind that was completely understandable.’
Things were beginning to turn around for me pretty quickly once I moved out of the west house. It was beyond refreshing. It was like being in a completely different prison. The prisoners were different, and even some of them were off some of the officers were different. Even the toilets were different. The West house had steel sinks and toilets. The other building had porcelain. The yard schedule was much better too. I went from getting one or two yards a week - if we weren’t on lockdown - to three to five a week.
It was still prison, and there were still things that I hated. It was still Menard. Nonetheless, it was so much better. There was a different vibe. All of the G********** and drama wasn’t a problem anymore. I mean, gangs existed in every part of the prison. It was well organized, but it wasn’t as prevalent. It was a different crowd. Most of the men in the South house were strictly focused on three things. Going to school and trying to better themselves, focusing on their cases and trying to earn the freedom back and working job assignments so that they can fill the days and pass the time while not being locked in the cell. There wasn’t much room for drama. It was an older crowd, with me being the youngest by far. I had to be about 18 or 19 years old. Everyone was shocked that I was allowed to leave the West house. Everyone else was at least 35 or older. The average was probably about 38 to 40 years old. It was perfect for me. I couldn’t stand being around the younger population. Many - not all of them - were immature and didn’t have their heads on straight yet, a lot of them were going down different paths than what I was focused on.
I was enrolled into the GED class immediately. I had class 5 days a week, so I wasn’t stuck in the cell 23 and a half hours a day anymore. I was exposed to a lot of other opportunities just by being in that positive environment. Things like being able to meet new people, including the program counselors. This allowed me to get enrolled in other programs as well. It was great for me. I needed to be in a positive uplifting environment and encouraged a sort of growth mindset.
Being in the GED class gave me that. I was able to feed my brain as it was still developing. I loved - still do - being a student and learning. I neglected school when I was out, mainly because I was bored with it all because I was so stimulated and attached to my life in the streets. well at Menard I wanted to change my mindset and rewire my brain so that I would be curious about all things and have a thirst for knowledge. That’s what I did. I made the most of my time in class. I had wasted so much time in the West house sitting around doing nothing. Doing the same thing every single day, which was watching TV and daydreaming. Of course, I worked on my case, but aside from that I just wasted my mind away with TV.
Being in school opened my mind and I could feel the effects. I am so grateful that I was given that opportunity. Not only did it offer me an opportunity to grow personally with my education, it opened doors for me to meet the right people and get a job and access to a lot of other things that made my time easier. Mainly being able to network and build connections with people.
One of the most important things I learned from my experiences in Menard is that so many things in life are political. You really have to have the courage to self advocate for yourself when the opportunities present themselves. It’s not always about what you know, but who you know is very important, and it’s not just about knowing the right people. You have to be able to build genuine relationships with all sorts of people. You have to show gratitude when someone gives you a helping hand, and you also have to pay it forward by being of value to them as well. Also, you must pay it forward by lending a helping hand to someone else who may need support. There was more balance in my life. I had a sense of peace. Not entirely, I still had trouble sleeping. That wouldn’t change until there was a final resolution with my case. However, I was in a super chill environment around some good guys, many of which gave me guidance and wisdom. I wasn’t trapped in that cell all day, and most of my days were productive and stimulating because of school and ultimately different job assignments. I wasn’t worried about missing the commissary anymore because my bro Cornell made sure I was good. Let me say a little something about bro real quick.
First, I have to say that he is cut from a cloth that is very, very rare. He is one of the most selfless, caring, loyal, trustworthy, and righteous people I’ve ever met. It’s a short list. He’s my right hand man. The two of us grew up together on the south side of Waukegan and built a solid foundation for friendship that has turned into me loving him as my family. My brother. Not only did he help me make commissary every month, he made sure there was money on his phone account so I could be connected to life outside of prison. He would later help pay for my lawyers as well. He is a special human being. He hasn’t missed a beat, not for a single day. His support has been vital for my survival and peace of mind. Not having financial and social support in a place like Menard is the second worst experience I’ve ever had in my life. It was humbling and it made me value material things differently. I can’t express enough of the gratitude I have toward him and a couple of others, especially my wife Dallis for the financial support over the years. So yeah, shout out to Cornell!
The only thing I was missing in my life - besides my freedom - was the chance to connect with a woman. I’m not even talking about a relationship or anything like that. There were plenty of female friends in my life before I was convicted and sentenced to 61 years in prison. After I was sentenced almost all of them ghosted me. It was quick too. There were a couple who tried to hang in there, but Menard was the final straw for them. There weren’t any messages or phones on tablets back then. We had to rely on mail and The Limited phone access. it would take 2 to 3 weeks to receive a letter because the mail room staff were either overwhelmed or incompetent.
As for visits, most of us were from the Northern parts of the state. Plus, Menard had a special way of discouraging visitors from making the trip. It was risky. The prison would go on lockdown so much and at any moment. All visits were restricted once we went on lockdown for at least 72 hours. If it wasn’t to lockdown, visitors had to worry about the officers finding a reason not to let them in. They were notorious for that. So if my sentence didn’t sever the relationships that I had, Menard’s influence did.
Not having a connection with a woman for an extended period of time does something to your soul, for real. Nothing feeds a man’s soul like a woman’s feminine presence. Being able to do the simple things like hold a conversation over the phone and build a bond, or being able to hear her laugh - at something you said. Just knowing that there was someone out there who cared about you and you could write or call, knowing they are looking forward to it. Man, don’t even get me started on not being able to spend time
with a woman in person. to be able to hold them in your arms and smell their perfume. Or to be able to look them in the eyes while you’re holding conversation. Come on man. I daydreamed about these things everyday, hoping and looking forward to the day that I would get out of prison so I could have this connection again.
I pretty much gave up on finding love while in prison. In my mind it wasn’t possible because it was too hard and too much of a sacrifice for a woman to be in a deep relationship with a man in prison who has no guarantee of ever coming home again. In my mind that was completely understandable. I’ve seen men in Menard who had women in their lives. They had wives who held it down. They seemed to have found their rare roses. I never thought that was possible for me though. Then, Dallis came into my life out of nowhere.