‘By June, the month before our wedding date we had everything all lined up. Dallis had a place to live here in the States. She quit her job in Canada, and she had a beautiful gown. We were all set. Then I f***** it all up’
This memoir is a collection of memories, stories, and experiences that have shaped my transformation from a 15 year old boy navigating life and death in the streets of my hometown, to finding hope in a maximum security adult prison with a life without parole sentence, and building a life of freedom beyond prison walls. My sincerest hope and intention is that you will connect with the shared human experience of overcoming your circumstances and worst mistakes to become the person you were always meant to be.
I admired Dallis. I was also inspired by her and just having her in my life made me want to be the best version of myself, not just for me, but for her as well. I wanted to impress her. Like I said, I had started developing an emotional attachment to her, but I was also really stimulated and attracted to her. My feelings grew stronger as time went on.
Honestly, I was just enjoying her presence in my life. I felt like we had a special bond at that point. She was definitely special to me. I didn’t know how she felt about me exactly, but I could tell that she genuinely cared about me. In a sense I felt like she was truly invested in me and our friendship. She was - still is - always so consistent and just there. I valued that. It was refreshing.
I never imagined that Dallis and I would cross the line between friendship and romance. I mean, I imagined it, but I didn’t really believe it would ever happen. It was purely fantasy. For one, she made it clear in the past that she had no interest in crossing any lines in a romance. I didn’t want to offend her or cross any boundaries, so I was careful of that for a long time.
For two, I kind of felt like she was out of my league. I’m a confident dude. I can be a little shy and self-conscious at times when it comes to women who I am attracted to though. It’s hit or miss. Dallis to me seemed like she was definitely on another level though. I had never tried to flirt with or date a woman of her caliber. I hadn’t had the opportunity or exposure to interact on a social level with women who were educated, sophisticated, professional, and came from a different background, as she had been. On top of all that, she was 9 years older than me. I loved that - still do - by the way. It made me even more attracted to her because she was mature and didn’t play games. She had experience in life and she had her s*** together. Initially, I had told myself that I would just go with the flow and enjoy having her in my life in any way that she allowed. I tried that. It wasn’t enough. I felt like I needed to be honest and let the chips fall where they may. That’s exactly what I did.
I think I responded to one of her letters like everything was normal, and towards the end of that letter I sort of transitioned into how I’ve been feeling. I can’t remember exactly what I said. I do remember telling her that over the past couple of years I had grown to care about her deeply, and recently I had begun to love her. I told her that I hope she didn’t feel uncomfortable. That I wasn’t expecting her to respond in any sort of way, and that I just hoped we could continue to be friends. I just wanted her to know how I felt about her instead of hiding it. I would have been good just being friends, so long as she knew the truth. I had to wait for her to get my letter, then wait for her response to make it back to me.
She wrote back and told me that she felt the same way as I did. She didn’t say that exactly, but it was a nice letter letting me know that she had been fighting her feelings for me for a while and how she didn’t know if she should tell me or not. She wasn’t sure if she should cross that line with me, but if she did, she would be committed to me 100% through thick and thin. She understood that I had a 61-year sentence and my freedom was nowhere near guaranteed. She considered this before responding to me. She told me that she would never allow me to spend the rest of my life in prison alone.
When other people say things like that it sounds cliche. When Dallis said it to me I knew she meant it.
It’s unreal man.
I can’t lie, when I read that letter I was shocked. I didn’t expect it. I thought she was going to accept how I felt while letting me know that we could never be more than friends. I couldn’t believe it. It was probably the happiest moment in my life at that time. The potential of us was a new bright light in my life. I decided that I wouldn’t do anything different. I would just continue to be myself, not trying to impress her by being someone that wasn’t authentic. She loved me for who I am and it took away any pressure I may have felt with someone else.
In the years that followed we made some great memories. Our relationships still centered on writing letters back and forth, but I also began calling regularly. and of course we would eventually gain access to e-messages, which were a game changer. We also spent a lot of time on visits, as Dallis would fly in from Canada to visit me, usually for several days at a time.
The first time she came to visit me was a big deal. It was my first one. I hand washed my clothes and put them under my mattress laying on them for 2 weeks so they would be crispy. Back then creases in your shirt and pants were still in style. Also, I didn’t have access to an iron.
Luckily I had a barber on location. I was able to get my hair cut the day of my visit. My guy had to reach his arms through the bars of his cell. He got me together with a pair of beard trimmers! It’s amazing how we make the most out of the limited resources that we have.
So yeah, I was sitting in the visiting room nervous as hell. The visit had come pretty quickly after we crossed that line between friendship and romance. I didn’t have anything but maybe two pictures of Dallis at that time, and I had no idea how she looked in person. I was sitting there at our table watching as visitors came in not even knowing if Dallis was one of them.
At some point she walked right past me and I didn’t even know it. She was the only person standing at the officer’s desk being checked in. Her back was to me so I couldn’t tell if it was her. She had on a sundress with a mini denim jacket. I’ll never forget that dress, or the look on her face when she turned around and made eye contact with me.
The visit was super smooth. I was a little nervous but I got comfortable real quick. She also seemed nervous at times, which made me feel good. We spent 4 hours just vibing. The conversation flowed naturally. At some point I put my head down looking at the table for a couple of seconds. When I looked up she was staring at me with a look in her eyes that made my brain freeze. In that moment I knew that I was special to her. We were building something rare and unique.
We would spend a lot of time on visits over the years. Being on visits with Dallis was like medicine for my soul. I needed to get away from all of the stress and drama inside of Menard. It was a temporary escape from all of the b*******. Nothing else mattered when we were together on a visit. All of my stress and anxiety disappeared, if only for 4 to 8 hours. Visits were normally 4 hours but because Dallis was coming from Canada, she was allowed an extended visit up to 8 hours.
As fun as the visits were, saying goodbye on the final days was extremely hard. Dallis would cry in my arms as the officer was waiting to escort her out. It used to break my heart, man. I can’t lie. That s*** hurt my soul. Leaving and going back to my cell was hard. It usually took a couple of days to adjust to being back in the mix of things. I hated it but I used my feelings as fuel to keep me focused on getting out of prison.
My appeal had been moving along. I realized pretty quickly that I was in good hands. The attorney who was appointed to my case, Jamie L Montgomery, was amazing and easy to work with. She is an expert in her field and I got lucky having her represent me on my first appeal. She added to the hope that I needed to keep moving forward.
Dallis and her family, especially her parents, kept up with my legal stuff and were also hopeful. Yes, I was in good with her parents. They were also a part of ‘the one’ and we’d also built a great relationship. Eventually, Dallis and I had told them about our relationship. They were definitely surprised, but supportive. To this day they have loved and supported me as their son. We’ve spent a lot of time hanging out at visits as well. This Memoir would not be possible if it wasn’t for my incredible mother-in-law who is helping me publish and promote it. This is just one of the many things she has done to support me! She believes in me and would do anything to see me succeed. We were all hopefully optimistic about my first appeal. All of the briefs have been filed. We were just waiting for the Appellate Court to make their ruling. There was no set date for their ruling. It would come on a random day. I just had to wait and get a copy of their ruling in the mail.
I received the ruling. It was 22 pages long. I didn’t have to read it all to know the conclusion. The first sentence of the ruling told me that my appeal had been denied. That my trial was fair, and that my mandatory prosecution in adult court was not unconstitutional. That all of my hope and faith over the previous 3 years had been for nothing. Getting that first denial was faith-shattering for me. It completely changed the way that I viewed faith and the criminal justice system. I was no longer naive. I knew that having faith in a positive outcome wasn’t healthy. I needed a lot more than faith. I needed a solid strategy in action. The threat of spending the rest of my life in prison was more real than it had ever been. I put all of my hopes in that initial appeal only to see it denied. I had spent three years daydreaming about the day I would have one and my conviction would have been overturned. I didn’t even know what the next steps were because I couldn’t see that far ahead before I’d gotten their ruling. I couldn’t entertain the thought of losing and had to focus on the next step in the appeal process. Yet, there it was.
Losing the appeal was hard for me, but I was more concerned with how it would affect Dallis. I knew it was going to be hard for her. It was. She took it hard, but she bounced back quicker than I did. Her response was basically asking me what the next steps were and how she could help. Her hope and confidence allowed me to recover quickly. I was able to appeal the denial by the appellate court. Basically an appeal is simply an opportunity for you to have a higher court review decisions made by the previous court. So, for me, I had to ask the Illinois Supreme Court to review the appellate court’s ruling. It was my hope that they would overturn their ruling and allow me to have a new trial. Their decision would take several years to come. In the meantime, Dallis and I lean into each other. I handled the legal stuff with my attorney so she didn’t have to stress about it, and she was able to just focus on us. We made the most of each year while we waited on a ruling from the Supreme Court. It wasn’t always easy either. The distance between us was hard for both of us, but especially so for Dallis. She wanted me home. Some days I didn’t understand how she was able to keep going with me. The waiting and uncertainty was taking its toll. Nonetheless, she never gave up on me. She kept coming to visit about every 2 months or so and we just took things one day at a time. By 2016, I knew that Dallis was the woman I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. When you meet a woman like Dallis, you just know. You also know that you would be the world’s biggest fool not to propose to her. So, that’s what I did.
I knew how she felt about me. I also knew that she low-key wanted me to propose. The topic of marriage had come up briefly at one point.