I kept telling myself to relax, that I was good. None of that s*** helped.

The only thing that helped was to shut everything in my mind out as I went into a state of fearlessness and stoicism. It worked.

This memoir is a collection of memories, stories, and experiences that have shaped my transformation from a 15 year old boy navigating life and death in the streets of my hometown, to finding hope in a maximum security adult prison with a life without parole sentence, and building a life of freedom beyond prison walls. My sincerest hope and intention is that you will connect with the shared human experience of overcoming your circumstances and worst mistakes to become the person you were always meant to be.

15 facing life

Chapter 5-Part 1

My first day back at HDC, I was walking down the hall towards the Pod after leaving intake/processing. It felt awkward being back because I knew that all of the staff were aware of my new charges. I knew they would be paying close attention to me. I didn’t want the attention. Luckily, once I made it to the pod everyone was out in the gym. I avoided the embarrassing exposure of being the new guy that everyone experiences when they first come to the pod.

I stepped into the gym while the rest of the kids were distracted running around. I found a seat by myself in one of the couches. One of the staff members came over and sat next to me. I knew her from my previous stints at HDC and we had a pretty good rapport with each other. We kicked up casual conversation - nothing about my charges - and spent most of the rec period talking. When it was time to go inside, I felt at ease. I was going to start to adjust to being there again. It was exactly what I needed. She knew that.

The staff at HTC were nothing short of incredible. There were some I didn’t always see eye to eye with, but even they were good people who had my best interest in mind. I was just a stubborn kid who had some tough moments and I wasn’t always easy to work with. There were a lot of great days too, but the moments where I struggled I deeply regret my behavior and attitude toward the staff. I completely took them for granted. They went out of their way to make me as comfortable as I could be under the circumstances. They bent the rules for me so many times, allowing me privileges that other kids couldn’t get. I owe all of them and apology and so much gratitude.

Another big adjustment for me was having to accept the fact that I could have been home the week prior. I had spent the previous three months anticipating going home and starting my life over, only to find out at the last minute that I would not be going home—I may never go home again. It took some time for me to adjust to that reality.

In the next week or two, I hadn’t heard anything concerning my case. I didn’t know what was going to come next. I wasn’t too concerned about that because I figured at some point I would find out. there was no doubt about that.

Within that first month (December 2010) I had been chilling in the pod when I was told that I had a visitor. I was surprised because it was a weekday and it was in the morning. My visiting days were on the weekends and in the evening. I had no idea who was coming to visit me. The first option that came to mind was that it was a law enforcement coming to question me. I put my guard up immediately and prepared myself for a confrontation.

I was sitting in the visiting room and the metal doors buzzed open. A man walked in and for a second I thought maybe he was law enforcement. I would have never guessed that he was my attorney! He was wearing blue jeans and a plaid dress shirt. It did not register in my mind at all that my attorney would come and visit me at some point. On top of that, my image of a lawyer included someone in a suit of some sort, or dress skirt.

So my attorney, whose name is Kevin Malia, by the way, comes to sit across from me and smiles at me. He introduced himself and explained to me that he and his partner Eric Reinhardt were appointed to represent me as “Special Public Defenders.” They were private attorneys who worked closely with the Lake County Public Defender’s Office under certain circumstances. I acknowledge that I understood, but didn’t say much else.

I can’t remember everything that was said, but at some point we got around to July 3rd to 4th. Kevin wanted me to tell him my side of the story. I immediately cut him off, telling him that I was not responsible and that I did not have anything more to say about it. He wasn’t hearing that. He tried explaining to me the importance of me telling him what had happened that night. I wasn’t trying to hear any of that. There was no way I was admitting to him or anyone else what I had done. I knew, once I did, there was no going back.

It wasn’t that I didn’t trust Kevin, it was more about my ignorance of the law and why he felt it was so important—and of course, self-preservation was an important factor.

He didn’t push me on the issue, and I appreciated that. I really just wanted him and Eric to prove my innocence by discrediting the prosecution’s case. I had no clue how things worked in the real world of Criminal Justice.

Kevin went on to explain what the next steps were in the process. Apparently I already had a court date set in January 2011. It would be my “arraignment”. I would appear in front of a judge in the adult criminal court. The judge would read my charges to me, as well as any potential punishment if I am found to be guilty. Then I’d be given the opportunity to plead either guilty or not guilty. I was becoming excited.

Kevin and I spoke briefly after that and then he told me to “hang in there” before heading out. I liked him. I felt like he was going to fight for me. he probably walked away from that meeting feeling like I was not what he had expected. but I was a tough kid who didn’t know what a grind it was going to be moving forward. I walked away from the meeting with mixed emotions. I felt maybe I had been a bit too closed off and stubborn. I may have even come across as having a bad attitude. At the same time I was excited knowing that I had not one, but two attorneys. I also had a court date coming up. Things were moving forward. That’s all I needed to know. that we were making progress and that I had someone fighting for me.