I turned the shower on and the water hit me... ice cold. I couldn’t believe it!
That was the beginning of a shift in my mental state... all I could feel in the moment was anger.
This memoir is a collection of memories, stories, and experiences that have shaped my transformation from a 15 year old boy navigating life and death in the streets of my hometown, to finding hope in a maximum security adult prison with a life without parole sentence, and building a life of freedom beyond prison walls. My sincerest hope and intention is that you will connect with the shared human experience of overcoming your circumstances and worst mistakes to become the person you were always meant to be.
Chapter 4 - Part 1
Hearing my counselor tell me that I was being indicted for first degree murder and an aggravated battery with a firearm was so surreal that I was almost speechless. I didn’t know what to say other than okay. My brain had frozen as if I was psychologically paralyzed. My worst fears had become reality. All I was able to do in that moment was to let it happen and go with the flow. I didn’t get upset or ask questions. I didn’t even know what to ask. Besides, I knew what I did. There was no need to play games.
I felt vulnerable and afraid of what the indictment meant. I didn’t know what was going to happen next, other than my immediate transfer. I think I went into shock and zoned out. My counselor was asking me to sign some paperwork, and I did so without even knowing what it was that I was signing. After I signed them, my counselor thanked me and turned and walked away without saying another word to me. Shortly after that I was put in shackles and chains and we hit the road on our way to St Charles.
On the ride there, I spent most of it looking out of the window into traffic and all of the people who were free. I sat there wondering if I would ever be out there in society again. Just knowing that it was very possible that I would never be in society again gave me a sick feeling deep inside of me that I’d never felt before. I can’t put into words how that felt other than to say it felt like I was living in a bad dream. I felt a deep sense of hopelessness and despair. I spent some time thinking about what it would be like when I told my family. How hard it would be to tell them, knowing they would be devastated. It wasn’t something I was looking forward to. It did make me sad knowing that they would be hurting because of what I’ve done, and because there wasn’t much I could do to help them.